Maybe She’s Born With It, Maybe It’s Her Father’s Fault

Lately I’ve really been into the word “amalgamate” but haven’t had the chance to use it in a conversation, and then I thought of this: Is it appropriate to say, “I want to amalgamate myself with an Assiago cheese bagel from Safeway, because they are so good?” Or is that simply a bit to sexual, considering the male anatomy and the anatomy of a bagel, or did I just sexualize an otherwise innocent concept right now with that comment? I’M SO CONFUSED. All I know is that amalgamate is a hard word to use and that I would do shameful, shameful things for one of those bagels right now.

Speaking of things that are shameful, I have a rather unique fear of becoming a father, (yup! Surprise! I hooked up with some chick I met at the bar last month and now she’s preggers and is saying  its mine, but I’m taking it to Maury because she is a ho fo’ sho and there’s no way she can prove I’m the father.).

 

(Except, JOKES! That’s all a lie, minus the part where I’m nervous to become a father, eventually.) However, the cause of my worry is a bit different from the normal anxieties that accompany becoming a first time parent. I’m less concerned as to whether or not I’m going to be a good parent, or whether I should make it (him/her) play the violin or piano and will the name I choose for it cause it to be made fun of in high school; I’m more concerned about what happens that day in the delivery room when they place the newborn in my hands. Because it is going to take me all the strength of a raging fire to stop myself from re-shaping the baby’s head. After all, did you know that newborns skulls are still soft and moldable?!? I don’t know why, but this fascinates me to no end. I also think it is hilarious, I mean, don’t even get me started on the “soft spot” babies have on their heads. Maybe because in my own little demented world, I can just imagine someone shaping their baby’s head into all kinds of funny shapes, you know, just for fun – it’s just like messing with your hair when it’s wet, only instead of forming a mohawk, it’s a skullhawk (if you will). A part in your hair? Try a ridge in your skull. Seen the movie Coneheads? You can make it happen. Plan on raising your kid to be a track or swimming star? Make his/her head a little more aerodynamic; it’s not cheating if their born with it right? See, isn’t this fun? (Keep in mind that in my dreamland this has no adverse effects on the baby’s brain or anything, I’m not that twisted.)

Oh, what was that? What shape would I make my baby’s head? I’m delighted you asked! I’m thinking football shaped. I mean look at Stewie from Family Guy, True or False: Stewie is not only hilarious, he’s a genius and is mature for his age. Also, look at Arnold from Hey Arnold, I didn’t watch the show much but from what I saw he seems like a dam decent guy, and I’m sure my friend Aaron Aruck would jump at the chance to tell you about just how awesome he is. Ok quiz time, what do both of these cartoon characters have in common? Answer: A football shaped head. I really think I might be on to something here you guys.

Now, if you are an avid 2birds1blog reader (which I have NO idea why you wouldn’t be) then you are familiar with the the game of, “Am I Crazy or Are You?” How you play is that you let me know what you think in regards to whether or not soft, moldable baby skulls are as awesome as I think. So leave some comments, and if it turns out that I’m the one who’s crazy (highly unlikely), then I can always just encourage my children to jump on the bed…..

 

And that’s how Cole . . . C’s it.